it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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