I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
