The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
