so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
