someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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