I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
How does it feel to date your dad?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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