it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
