I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
