i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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