i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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