So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
