you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
