By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
