if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
