You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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