I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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