guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
