I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Randomize
