Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
