Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
