she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize