Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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