I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
