I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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