i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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