I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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