You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
