At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
