The maid of honor just puked.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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