found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
