Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
