Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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