sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
