matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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