3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
