Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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