2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
