Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
