Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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