I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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