have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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