Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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