Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
