College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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