I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize