you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
