that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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