I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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