I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Still dying that you shit outside
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize