i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
