nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
