I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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