It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
