also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize