made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
