I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
