i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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