Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
