Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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