if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
