you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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