Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
