At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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