Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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