Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
